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Basic Etiquette

This past weekend my wife and two of her friends hosted a bridal shower for the daughter of another friend. Only about half of those who received an electronic invitation took the time to respond. Keep in mind all they had to do was click ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’

It could be this is a generational thing – another in the growing list of ‘millennials are ruining ______’ items.* I think it’s something else. We’ve lost the meaning of R.S.V.P. (Répondez s’il vous plâit: ‘please reply’) and the formality of politeness.

Here’s another example. One frustration in my coaching practice is when potential clients don’t give an answer about a possible engagement. Rather than say ‘This isn’t the right fit for me’ or ‘We’ve decided to go in a different direction,’ they disappear without a trace. While it might appear as if they don’t want to disappoint me by not moving forward, it’s more a comment on not wanting to feel badly themselves. In other words, it’s not about me; it’s about them.

In fact, in sales, ‘No’ is one of the best words you can hear. It’s conclusion. It’s closure. It’s time to move on. No response, on the other hand, is open-ended, leaving a ‘So you’re saying there’s a chance’ false impression and means ongoing follow-up.

Things would be a lot better if everyone did the polite thing: respond to invitations (Yes or No) and say ‘No’ when you decide not to move forward on a business opportunity.

*Note: I’m not a member of the ‘millennials are ruining’ tribe. On the contrary, I believe they’re going to be great.

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Either Or

During the bike and rowing portions of my workouts, I continue to listen to podcasts. Some are for business (Seth Godin, Malcolm Gladwell and Freakonomics). Some for learning (Hidden Brain, Stuff You Missed in History Class, TED WorkLife). Some are just for downright fun (30 for 30, the latest Panoply serial, You Must Remember This).

Recently, Seth used his weekly ‘Akimbo’ time to answer listeners’ questions. One person asked how a coach can expand his business. Seth said the problem is there are two kinds of people in the world: “Those who have a coach and those who don’t.” Thus, there are only two approaches to growing a coaching practice, he said: “Convince those who have a coach to change, or convince those who don’t that they need you.”

I agree with him… and both those are challenging tasks.

Once I jumped in the pool, I started thinking about other ‘Only two kinds of people…’ scenarios. Here are some of the ones that popped into my head:

Those who like sports and those who don’t
Those who eat at McDonald’s and those who don’t
Those who have annual physicals and those who don’t
Those who save for retirement and those who don’t
Those who own iPhones and those who don’t
Those who mow their lawns and those who don’t
Those who sing in the shower and those who don’t
Those who smoke and those who don’t
Those who believe in God and those who don’t
Those who listen to podcasts and those who don’t

About that point, it occurred to me: Everything is a binary choice!

Which is why I’ll leave you with one more binary choice. There are only two kinds of people in the world: Those who write blogs and those who don’t.

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Ponder This

As a coach, I provide a lot of feedback to clients, including observations when ‘shadowing’ them during ‘in-the-moment’ interactions with others. I also interview supervisors, peers and direct reports and give clients written quotes without attribution, so they read others’ perceptions as offered.

Before reviewing the feedback report together, I say it’s important to keep in mind this is someone’s opinion… and it was there yesterday even if you weren’t aware of it. I also suggest ‘catching’ feedback away from themselves and taking time to ponder whether they’ve heard it before or if it’s new data. Finally, I remind them the best response when someone offers feedback is simply to say thank you. It’s provided as a gift, and there’s no need to defend or deflect, just let it be.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. Feedback is a highly personal issue. It’s often surprising and sometimes upsetting. Each year after producing the annual conference for a franchisor, I receive a document with survey numbers and comments from attendees. Just a few weeks ago, most of the responses were highly positive; however, my mind tends to focus on the few that point out where we fell short.

It’s interesting that retention of feedback tends to lean toward the minority of less-than-stellar comments… while forgetting about the many complimentary ones.

So next time you receive feedback, smile, say thank you, and – after a few days – consider how to build on your many strengths… and pick out a couple of things that resonate with you as areas to improve. You’ll get the biggest benefit that way.

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Pivotal View

Recently I listened to a short podcast by Daniel Pink, author of ‘Drive” and other behavioral science tomes, during which he spoke about solving your own problems. Referencing the book “Decisive” by Chip Heath and Dan Heath, he said shifting the challenge to another person leads to better results. So instead of pondering, ‘What should I do?’, try: ‘What would I tell my best friend to do?’

“It turns out,” he said, “most people when they reframe the problem that way they know exactly what they’d tell their best friend to do.” Think about when someone asks you for help. Are you typically ready to give advice? When providing guidance to others we take a broader ‘telescopic’ view than when caught up in ‘microscopic’ emotions of our own situation.

Scientists refer to this as ‘Self-Distancing’ – and in a follow-up podcast, Pink said: “We are better at solving our own problems when we have a little bit of remove from them. When we see them at a distance, when we treat our own problems in much the same way we would treat someone else’s problems rather than get so absorbed by it.”

He also suggested speaking in the second or third person to yourself. So, the next time you face a big issue, rather than say, ‘I will do X,’ step aside and try: ‘You will do X’ or, better yet, ‘[Your Name] will do X.’

Give it a try. David believes this approach will work.

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Good Thoughts

Earlier this month I served as executive producer of the AlphaGraphics annual conference for the sixth straight year. The keynote speaker at our opening general session – Les McKeown – shared some great business tips for leaders, which I summarize below.

“Put your foot on the gas peddle and the car goes toward it” – That’s the way to look at setting and achieving goals. Keep your eyes focused.

“To change the way you do business, you have to change the way you make decisions. Your role is to build a Decision-making Machine” – Early on, you make a decision, then tell someone else to get it done. As your business becomes more complex, if you keep making decisions, you slow everything down. The key is to have other people make decisions that impact their group. You serve as the visionary, let them be the operators.

“When you move from ‘this is how we do it today’ to ‘this is how we’re going to do it tomorrow,’ you’ll lose some Big Dog Operators who aren’t wanting to change”

“For every meeting, have an agenda. For each agenda item, have a start time and end time for discussion. For each item, reach an agreement or decision” – Once you do that, it’s important to “release the item to execute” so something happens.

“At some point you have to stop being the hero in your business.” – Wean yourself away from the “hero model” by rewarding the scalable, so you have capacity to do more.

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